Jun. 25th, 2016

orangeyglow: (Default)
I am sitting in my room and around me are papers that I need to organize. There are bills and there are old papers and articles and just hella shit that I need to go ahead and go through. Having it in my room is definitely what I need to change this. I won't be able to run away from this.

Today i was in my room and I heard Dimples yelling in my door, Zakiya! You in there. What the fuck? See, this is why I haven't given Dimples a key. I was thinking about it so maybe I should say this is why I won't give her a key. What if I were in here with someone that I am dating and then you come in here while I am fucking or doing something. Or what if I just didn't want to answer the door which I didn't. I was basically sitting on the couch in the living room for a while as she knocked hoping that she would just go away because I had already told her that I needed some space.

She ended up texting me about wanting to leave some flowers because she did not want them to die. I feel bad but I just didn't want the flowers anywhere near my home. I know it sounded awful, but I am struggling with getting over my feelings for her. It is not that we are the perfect couple and I honestly think she has found the woman who is right for her. The issue is that when I'm around her I realize that I miss those things and I want those things in a relationship and I guess you could say that I am immature, but I can't really care that much because I know that I have been working towards not feeling that way and being there for her and even told her last week I was looking forward to meeting her girlfriend.

But I cant act like every time she has talked about her girlfriend lately that I didn't feel a numbing feeling. I am just not at a place where I am over it and I'm fucking sick and tired about feeling guilty about that. I should not feel guilty for still having love for a woman who I considered to be one of my best relationships as far as just how I felt, level of attraction. When she is here she is helping me get through this, we are laughing and just all of these beautiful things and there are days when I want to kiss her when I want her to hold me.

She has offered me massages but all I can think about is how I will get wet when I feel her hands on me. I am attracted to her and just because she is no longer attracted to me doesn't mean that my shit went away.

I don't know how to stop loving the women that I've dated and I'm tired of trying.


orangeyglow: (Default)

June 2016

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